Wherever you go, There you are

I’m having a really difficult time writing this post. I’ve started and stopped and erased and re-written several times. Letting myself be distracted by every little thing, watching out the corner of my eye at the trip photos that Jaime is editing on his computer next to me, experiencing heightened awareness of non-existent bugs, looking around me to see what everyone else is up to...but there’s no one in the restaurant. It’s more to do with this vulnerable feeling encroaching and I’m wanting to do everything I can to cover it up.
The quote seems cliche, but I know that ‘wherever you go, there you are’ and I’ve been waiting for my anxious-self to arrive here in Santa Catalina.


Often lost in thought



I’m always curious how the travelers I meet afford to travel. When I look at Jaime being brought into my life, I feel so fortunate! Here is someone who successfully lives the kind of life I dream of having. Live and travel around the world, location independent work, adventuring, owning few possessions, freedom to be wherever. Reflected in that, I see my own struggle, wanting to find a way to make it a reality for me too. Talking with him today about what his upcoming year has in store, I feel a lot of jealousy. Jaime seems to really live what he loves. He has had that internal experience to know that you must spend time doing what you love and know that all else will follow. I am reminded too that it's important to take time to attend to the internal while enjoying that which is external, and find your balance.


He too, is lost in thought perhaps...


I’m scared stiff of how to proceed, feeling shitty over ‘not knowing’ what to do. But of course I’m too busy looking outwards for someone to direct me. I came to Panama for this very reason - to force myself into a situation where I would have to figure sh!t out without the luxuries of being in my home country and the network I have there. How to find my balance, make money, grow my hobbies and skills, travel....create the life I want to live now. Part of me is really stoked to be with Jaime for these first 2 months, living and learning with him, while at the same time I see how I can create dependence on that.  Everything you want to learn about someone seems to be heightened when you travel together, and I like that.  Being the first time I’ve traveled with a partner though, it’s not fair to compare it to solo travel and I’ve planned to be here long enough so that I have time both alone to sort myself out and to be with him, to test it all out. I wonder too how our puzzle pieces fit together when you have two gypsy lifestyles trying to live together, when neither of you are interested in doing much long distance. Though these are not questions to be answered right now, my damned planning brain always wants to jump there. Trying to be more at peace with evolution and letting things be as they are.  I will always do my best, and what is best, for me. It's all I know how.

And little perro....lays in the water to cool off, and ponder life's greatest complexities I'm sure